May Eighteenth Two Thousand Thirteen

The following letter is one I wrote to my son. Although I never sent it, I wrote it as a tool to help heal from the pressure, grief, and sadness I was feeling. I really wanted to reach out to him but found it was hard to say anything. What do you say to your son when you find out he violated a treasured moral? Being a loving mother is not easy and although my son made choices I would have never dreamed the challenge to accept what choices he did make and still show him the up most love and respect unconditionally.


To My Dearest Son,

I wish this letter to bring you peace, love, and forgiveness.

I am asking for your forgiveness. I owe you an apology. I pray you kind find peace in your heart to forgive me.

Please forgive me for running away, for not accepting you, for not giving you what you needed. I manipulated you and tried to make you something you are not.

When I was a little girl, I was abused. I grew up thinking that this is why I was to be here, to be abused. I know in my heart there is a better life, but I felt like no one in my life wanted it, all what was wanted was blame, resentment and judgement of each other's hurts, sorrows and choices. Only I am responsible for the pain I have caused others including you.

I realize today son there has been much pain I have caused to you.

When I was 13, I was so lost and abused. I tried to kill myself. I couldn't take the pain. I became full of anger that I tried to escape. Killing myself would help me escape, but I lived!! After that I believed my only way out of my pain, was to create my own family. That is when I had you. I always knew your dad wasn't going to be around. I used your dad to have you. If I had a baby, I could mold him into the love I was searching for. I truly believe this and it happened, but only for a short time. I was 17 when you were born. I was immature, lost, made bad choices. I didn't take care of myself. I did drugs, had sex with guys who didn't care about me, all the time I kept searching for someone or something to fix me. I just knew you were going to be the one to fix my pain. But it never happened. I was not good to you. I made you responsible for my pain. I never wanted that, it is true,I allowed it to happen.

My delusion of how life was and should be only spiraled, creating more delusions and dragging people into this reality creating more lies and havoc and more pain. And then I had Chris. Chris was going to be the one to save me. But guess what, He didn't. I brought Chris into this world with the same set of circumstances as I did with you.

Once again my crazy thoughts of creating life on how I thought it was supposed to go back fired. You rebelled against it. you knew that my delusions weren't real and I couldn't take your trying to teach me that. I didn't see. I didn't see you teaching me. I saw you taking your own flight and it hurt cause your plan, your flight, your path was not apart of my plan. My original plane for love. I used you and abused you. Not intentionally. I have been living a lie for a long time. My parents taught me to live this way and in return, I taught this to you. I taught you to search and create lies.

For the last 10 years, I have been grieving for the son I thought I should have. Instead of being grateful for the son I do have. I forgive you Taylor. I forgive you Taylor.

I was selfish in not supporting you in what you truly needed, My unconditional love. I have loved you since the day your were born, with conditions. I have love you conditionally and I believe the lie that it was unconditional.

I have created such a mess that the creation has weighed me down. This is why I haven't moved forward in life. I blamed others for not seeing my delusions. In reality others have helped me see this and have helped me see my lies.

I can no longer hold you responsible for my pain. I know that it is not right for a mother to have this of her kids, and if I don't come clean now with the lies, I will never be the same again. I have to be honest with you and myself. When I go back to where all this started, I did not realize what I was doing. I didn't realize how much pain I caused. I was not a good mother and I am very sorry for my actions to you.

Now, I am learning on how to create truth, love from my heart and not from a place of brokenness and hurt.

I really do love you. I love you.

Let me tell you what I mean when I say these words;

I love you means to me there is an actual place in my heart for you. A light. That I have allowed you to be connected to me, to be connected to my heart. With this connection, there is a source that runs form me to you. With this connection from source I allow you to live your life freely, without judgement. I allow you to create your own.
I love you means I would do anything for you without being attached to the outcome of situations or experiences.
I love you means I will allow you to make your own choices. I am not responsible for your pain, your anger, your choices. Love means to me that we are not bounded by what we choose. Love is a creation. We choose to create love.
I love you means in the midst of my pain, you will ALWAYS BRING A SMILE TO MY FACE.

I love you means your are not responsible for my choices. Only I am responsible for my choices.

I love you means that I let go of the past, stop worrying about the future and only focus on right now. Now is all I have. I don't have yesterday or tomorrow. I only have right now.

I love you son more than you will ever know. Thank you son for giving me the gift of you. Thank you son for showing me the truth about life. Thank you son for letting me see the light.

I really wish life did not have to go the way it did, but it did. It went that wat and there is nothing I can do to change the past. Only my awareness can allow me to choose a better story for the future. It is up to me to choose to create love.

Your forever in my heart,
Mom